Run Report: #1119:
"Safe Sex's Birthday & Valentine's Day Run"

RUN 1107 Safe Sex Birthday Bash or SSBB for short “the next best thing to safe sex” Hares: Safe Sex, Fucoffee, Juicy Chew Welcome to run number 1119 Runners / walkers- approximately 35 Weather -magnificent as usual in HO Venue - somewhere it in the fields out past district 7 This run started off as usual on time at the Caravelle Hotel but the bus was a new cruiser model with laid-back plush seating. After arriving at the pristine wilderness site of the run and and inaudible briefing as usual by the physically and mentally challenged hares the hashers set off on the A to B run. Approximately 6K walk and 10 K run through virgin territory which was a pleasant change. All hashers completed the run with only a few mishaps by the usual uncoordinated few. Back at the bus after social drinking and eating the circle was called by HRH Head Mistress fresh back from a "le tour debacle" in Myanmar Religious Advisor Appendictome. Virgins called into the centre - total 10 Coming from all over the place Flaps Up and Down iced for delaying the bus while shopping Run report - by Shithouse - " beautiful walk" score 3 Walk report - by Stray Pussy - "beautiful walk score 2 Total amazing five Juicy Chew iced not sure what forl but obviously deserved it. Returnees - Magician Down Underwear and Mr Terry Charges. All Americans as usual by Jackoff for no particular reason Mr Terry for fashion abuse Mr Terry again for crop abuse Mr Terry and then iced or gross insubordination Circle closed, social drinking, on the bus and then to the on on at the Tavern in district 7 9 Hardy Hashers then proceeded to eat and drink and participate in a mass debate about Greek problems and other highly intellectual global issues. All in all another highly eventful hash outing. Next week BIGGER & BETTER THAN THE LAST ON ON Magician

Run Report: #1118:
"The Monk Rules Run: Remember The 3 Fs"

Last week’s “bright new blue bus” was clearly a one-off as this week’s bus was an old regular service green bus with no storage racks and seats in various states of disrepair. Its arrival at a late 0145 had assembled hounds thinking that they might be travelling to the run site in a fleet of taxis! However soon after 2 pm we were on our way in the old bus. One or two hounds plus a hare (not C4 surely) looked a little worse for wear after the previous night’s AGPU! The skills of Pissmeister (another hare) appear to have been challenged (not only on the run itself which was originally advertised at 14 km. later reduced to 9 km and ended up somewhere between the two) as after about 1 hr and 15 mins on the road we passed the Lothamilk dairy on our right and some about 10 min s later after a U-turn passed it on our left before turning and stopping in front of a temple complex where a bunch of somewhat dilatory hounds disembarked and a sort of circle was formed at the command of Head Mistress! After Good Le, with new running shoes, was spotted hiding at the rear of the circle she was summoned forward and duly drank beer from one of the said new shoes in time-honoured tradition! The hares explained a few of the hash details. For example the trails were either in chalk or shredded, coloured paper (except where the dusty trails were near temples, where paper could not be strewn and as there was nothing on which to put a chalk mark there was NO trail). Also Pissmeister requested the running hares to be careful when running through the rubber plantations near the end of the run as there was a danger of falling into ditches and breaking a leg. Suitably encouraged by all this news the hounds set off – the walkers (about 15) in one direction and the runners in another. The trails were generally very dusty and led the hounds through ploughed up plantations, construction sites, through rubber plantations and along the partially completed runway of the proposed new, but not yet constructed, HCMC airport and, in the case of runners, through some temple complexes before finishing with the circle. This was located at the end of the newly constructed dual carriageway road which will serve the new airport but which at present has little traffic! Towards the end of the trails the runners passed the walkers but lo and behold the walkers were well into their second or third beers before 3 or 4 disgruntled runners (including Append a Dick To Me, Shithouse, Filthy Phil) arrived. They were clearly not happy hounds and apparently did not appreciate the tourist diversion arranged by the running hares to partake of lemon juice with the monks at a temple en route. Apparently ‘fermented lemon” should have been ordered which would have been quick to serve but unfortunately “lemon juice” was ordered which required monks to go in search of fresh lemons! This was done but it was some 20-30 minutes later when the fresh lemon juice, obviously sweetened, with a kg or 2 of sugar was served to what was left of the somewhat frustrated hounds! Consequently the bulk of the runners were late in arriving at the bus but fortunately there was still some beer left! Anyway after all eventually arrived, a circle was formed and the festivities commenced. The run report by Turn Off was fairly generous in awarding the run a minus 2 and Linda, a lady from Belfast, wanted to know where were all the temples that had been promised by the hares and also that it was too hot which, although true, was perhaps a bit harsh on the hares! The walk was scored at minus 5! Based on such scores the hares were suitably invited to sit on the ice. The new RA (Append a Dick To Me) then invited the day’s virgin into the circle, Malcolm from Ireland, who had been made to come by Linda! Returnees were then invited into the circle. There were 5 returnees, consisting of Linda, who had been home for a while in Ireland doing nothing; Big Mac who had been at home in Oz, moaning most of the time; Tom from the Cotswolds in England, who had been on suspension!; Turn Off, the Dutch guy (not sure what he had been doing) and Concrete Cock a long time hasher from Jakarta and Hanoi and now working in Can Tho. Down-downs were had and the circle got down to the serious business of charges and naming. Jack –Off charged fat Bastard for being less than truthful in wearing a Saigon hash T-shirt claiming he had set 10 runs as a hare when in fact, according to Jack Off, “he could not remember f…..g one let alone ten”. Bright Spark was then charged for talking in the circle and Thong Muncher for wanking. Head Mistress then charged all the Eurotrash as the EC now required all drivers (men AND women) to pay the same insurance (women were hitherto charged less as we all know they are far safer drivers than men!!). The Scots were then iced for losing to England at rugby on Saturday and Aussies were charged because Kevin Rudd had advised European countries how to run their economies when clearly Euro economies were in good shape and anyway the Aussie economy was based on digging ‘f…..g great holes in the ground and selling the contents”! There were one or two more charges made by Shithouse and Fuckcoffee before Deaf Teapot was spotted wondering away from the circle and was promptly iced for desertion! Finally the highlight of the evening was the naming of two lady hashers. Firstly Thuy, a local banker was named. Being a banker, suggestions included Dong Withdrawal and Dong Deposit but the preferred name was Dong Deposit Box. The lady was suitably initiated into the Saigon hash by drinking a beer with no hands and whilst doing it being totally drenched with beer by other hashers. After seeing Dong Deposit Box getting drenched the second lady, Linda from Belfast, was a little reluctant to participate in the naming ceremony but eventually did so. Apparently her husband? was a pilot in Ireland so she was named ‘Cunni Lingus”. For those that don’t know the Irish national Airline is Aer Lingus! With the final naming the circle was closed and after a few minutes of social drinking the bus was away. Following a piss stop at a plant and machinery yard! the bus arrived back at the Caravelle and took about 15 hashers on to the Drunken Duck where fun continued! Ballcock http://www.flickr.com/photos/67462006@N05/

Run Report: #1117:
"Australia Day"

Run 1117 – Australia Day Run A small but dedicated group of hounds gathered for the annual Australia Day run, the first run of the Lunar New Year at the Caravelle Hotel. Imagine their surprise to be greeted by by a bright blue new bus..... Complete with fancy curtains and an aisle too narrow to hold the beer chest! Disaster! Whats going on here?? Rumours abounded, theories proposed. Finally we were informed that our bus was running people to and from the pagoda after Tet.. Initial apprehension gave way to excitement as the hounds boarded the bus to head out for the run led by the hares from the local chapter of the Aussie Mafia, General Erection, Paddy Fag and Fag(t) Weasel. The bus took the pack to Tri An, surprise surprise! never been there before with GE and PF... Virgin territory it was proclaimed... GE as acting GM, called the circle and provided details of the run and the walk. A to B, some false trails and the usual checks. No drama yet. Off the running pack went leaving the walkers to amble their way. Scenery was good, plenty of hills, bridges, trees etc. a hash halt halfway allowed the walkers and the runners to briefly cross paths. Some of the walkers were complaining that they had to wait for the hares all the time...... So the running and walking hares changed over.. Finally, after a fairly long false trail close to the end foxed some of the FRB's, all arrived safely, aside from Fuckoffee who managed to miss the bus when only 100 meters away for it, remember this is a bright blue bus..Avid consumption of beer and butties then enshewed plus significant retail therapy at the hash shop from some visiting hashers. GE once again called the circle and the hares were brought to task. Jack Off gave an upbeat summary of the run noting its lack of Virgin territory credentials and over generously gave it plus 2. The returning Stray Pussy then gave a glowing report of the walk and scored a scarcely believable 4. Much loud opinion was offered that they had been bought off by the Aussie mafia but it didn't get the scored moderated. Appendadicktome then interviewed the virgins and the visitors of whom there were several including two from the Shanghai hash, Ban the Cock and Dutch Double Mountains, before interrogating the returnees who included Hand Job and STD. Miserable excuses were offered for their absence. On to the charges. The Aussies were charged several times for among other things, having a drunk Prime Minister trying to feign an attack, having weddings conducted in PNG and only giving 4 pigs to the brides mother. The Germans and the Dutch (German wannabes) were charged for being over quota, 5-6 in total. The Scots and English had to separated by American peace keepers (isn't that an oxymoron?) over the forthcoming referendum for independence of Scotland from England, or was it England from Scotland? It all got very confused. C4 was iced for being C4 (good charge) and charged for spending a night in a hotel room with a nymphomaniac and not having sex with her. 5 minutes of social drinking and then onto the bus for the ride back to the city. Much singing and revelry followed including a disorganised attempt to get through the old hash favourite, Allouette. Visiting Shanghai hasher, Ban The Cock, then expertly regaled the bus with an excellent hash song that your editor completely forgot the name of. 90 minutes later several hardy hashers were dropped at the On On location, Bar 5, where much food and beer were ordered and consumed. Head Mistress suddenly appeared magically off a plane from Myanmar, and joined the fun. Your editors recollection of events after this have been compromised, possibly by someone spiking his San Miguel Light with real beer. On On!

Run Report: #1116:
""

RUN 1116 Paddy Field Run “the next best thing to getting back to nature” Hares: Thong Muncher, Lickmybeen, Fuckoffee As usual the tragic bus left Carravelle hotel on time at 2 PM heading not towards Dong Nai as usual but towards the Tunnells of Chu Chi. After a long ride the bus stopped and the walkers were ordered to get off the bus and start walking with the chosen one Lickmybean out in front. The bus then pushed on with the sorry looking runners kilometres up the road and eventually stopped at a sodden paddyfield. After the walkers and runners reappeared at the at the bus much social eating and drinking was enacted by all concerned. This circle was finally called by her royal highness Headmistress and the hares were called in to the middle for the obligatory run report and walk report. RUN REPORT by Pissmeister Flat, no paper, dyke bashing, no highlights all lowlights Score 6.2 4/10 WALK REPORT by Juicy Chew Crap walk score 8/10 Rather hard to follow the thought process RELIGIOUS ADVISOR – Appendadicktome Virgins called in the middle 2 male & 1 female - 1 Aussie 1 Yank and 1 Vietnamese Returnees Swindler from gourmet hash Gold Coast Australia Pissmeister And Karaoke Kid C4 was placed on the ice for atrocious singing Headmistress charged for various atrocities but as unable to charge the headmistress Down under where was charged in her place and a very luckily not iced Lostoursole was also placed on the ice for failing to deliver last week's run report. Some lame excuse about a late-night helicopter ride. Onehunghigh also charged for leading walkers in completely incorrect direction. Thongmuncher also charged for insolence and gross disobedience. Circle ended well into the dark with social drinking and singing on the bus on the way back to the Caravell. On on held at Indian restaurant off Dong Koi Street attended by 10 burned-out die hard hashes finishing approximately 10.30 when Indian owner wanted to go to bed. ON ON Magician Photos can be http://www.flickr.com/photos/67462006@N05/sets

Run Report: #1115:
"The First Vietnamese Run In 2012"

Last Run Report: #1115: "1st Vietnamese Run - 2012" Date: 09/01/2012 Location: Long Thanh, Dong NAi Hares: Comes in Style (Phantom Hare: Shithouse) Hounds: 63 Virgins: 12 Caravelle Hotel security worked overtime keeping the motley bunch of 62 hashers in order whilst they waited to board the bus, many still suffering from New Year celebrations. Upon getting on the bus there is a delay as we find there are fewer seats than bums on board, so 7 hashers are kicked off the bus only later to be seen following the bus to run site in a local limousine. After the usual long drive to Dong Nai area there was some confusion when hare Comes in Style was not where the bus was, or where the bus turned around, or at the next turn and no amount of trying by HM on her Iphone could Comes in Style be contacted. Was this going to be a hare free run that we all wished for, but no, after circumnavigating Dong Nai we find our waiting hare on her hammock under a couple of trees beside an isolated track. After a short ride we arrive at the start, the circle is formed and phantom hare Shithouse is given a GPS to guide the runners, bad move as it should have been given to Paddy Fag. 3 new pairs of shoes was given the beer treatment with Fukcoffee having his second new pair within weeks. Runners set off, walkers find they haven’t finished with the bus and commute some distance to their start. Both walk and run transgressed through picturess Long Thanh, which received (vo van) rave reviews from happy hashers and then they attempted to drink as much San Miguel as possible before Paddy Fag returns, little did they know how much time they had. On forming the circle HM calls on Safe Sex to give run report - “very nice run” score of +8, walk report given by Open Beaver as “good walk although no water” score of + 9. Not much thought put into verbalizing these reports and a score of 8.5. Maybe reporters are so happy to be back at bus they forget what walk/run was actually like. With 60+ hashers Comes in Style has the record for 2012 in both score and attendance so congratulations to her. Paddy Fag our Religious Advisor (as if he knows anything about religion except for holey socks and propping up a bar) held up affairs before the circle was formed. Apparently he had arranged a meeting with a couple of the locals lasses during the run (SCB) and then has some trouble getting back to the bus before dark, thankfully they found a scooter big enough to sit his soon to iced bum on, to get him back to the bus. Virgins (as if) was called for and 12 fronted the circle to admit their vices of who makes them come. Vistor/returnees (4 + 2 children) then fronted and Jack Off made the usual ass of himself. Charges – Daniel, iced by the RA for polluting country side, Vn ladies (17 off) charged by HM for supplying alcohol to any man that offered them jewelry. Then the moment of truth, Patty Fag iced for getting lost, yes this experienced hasher, this Short Cutting Bastard lost in the wilds of Long Thanh, then whilst on the ice, beer abuse as he knocks over his bottle of San Miguel. Then Shithouse and Patty Fag bullshitted on for a bit before PF charges the aussies (8 off) for not only being piss-heads but also dope-heads. Yes, world is jealous of the aussies, and HM had the shits with PF as she missed out on charging this wonderful group of hashers. Yakuza was charged for terrible haircut and then all Japs in, with Hudjie Orifice leading, to give the highlight of the circle by giving us a rendition of “Good Cock, Good Cock - Ioka Son” PF charge 4 Vn ladies for bar dancing on the Christmas run, Jack Off iced for wasting water (any excuse to get him on ice) and Juicy Chew charged but I cannot remember for what. Euro trash (3) charged on some trumped up allegation. Safe Sex then explained about the Charity Run conducted by some hashers that morning with donations of goods and money, thanking hashers for their contribution. Awards – 75 runs – Hudjie Orifice and Appendidictomy, 50 runs – Safe Sex, 25 runs – Phuc Me 2 and Juicy Chew (what about me and my 25 runs???) Circle closed at 6.40pm, no time for social drinking as BBQ was waiting with OnOn was at Barbeque Garden with 15 happy Hashers attending Next weeks run is somewhere towards Cambodian border so all bring their passport just in case we do a Paddyy Fag and get lost. Happy Hashing - LMB Photos can be viewed under http://www.flickr.com/photos/67462006@N05/page3/

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