I guess the word was out about the free Guinness and the free T-Shirts because 76 people [Only 72 of whom actually registered and paid - Ed.] turned up at the Caravelle for our St Patrick's day run. Paddy Fag arrived 10 minutes late with Danielle and a box of T-Shirts in tow. The time was usefully used to hire two large taxis to cater for the bus overflow. With bums on seats, beer boxes and small plastic stools we set off for the run site at ........

The Hares did an excellent job of describing a run that didn't exist as far as the front runners were concerned. More of that later. Baz foolishly admitted to someone within earshot of GM that he was keen to try out his new shoes. A beer was produced and he was able to try out drinking a toast from his right shoe. The Hares took this opportunity to distribute small nips of Jamieson's whiskey. In somewhat high spirits, the Hounds eventually took off down a dusty track.

Much of the run was along these dusty tracks or ancient sunken ox-cart tracks. A few muddy fields, a paddy field or two and we were back on the dusty track. At this point, the paper ran out and the front runners were left in a state of confusion. Paddy Fag arrived with the walkers and indicated the correct route, or so they thought. [Anybody who believes Paddy Fag when he's a Hare deserves what they get - Ed.] The real running trail went in the opposite direction but, as there were no running Hares in sight, the front runners went on ahead of the walkers thus removing at least a kilometer from the advertised distance. GM was heard to say this was the first time he had ever lost the trail as a Hound. Confusion reigned followed by a general milling around at the Hash Halt, a new term for the Water Stop. Finally, the remaining runners arrived. Two Dicks had taken a dive and was covered in mud. Aushole looked as though he had miscalculated the viscosity of the same mud and had, at some point, been up to his whats-its.

The second leg meandered through small villages and playing fields before entering an area of foul smelling, black goo. Once safely navigated, the Hares kindly led the runners to a toxic waste stream crossing where they were able to exchange the mud for heavy metals and dioxins. Mad Cow surprised her namesake and a calf and soon all three were happily trotting along together. The four legged cows left us after a kilometre or so and then we were back with the Walkers. All groups arrived, simultaneously at the Down Down. A site carefully chosen for its proximity to a particularly lethal rubbish tip.

Just before proceedings began, Mad Cow and Ciara produced some excellent sandwiches and Paddy Fag distributed the Guinness T-Shirts. The Circle commenced with RA Titanic Balls introducing 16 Virgins. He got quite distracted when one pretty young Vietnamese lady stated she had come on the Hash because she didn't want to be a Virgin anymore! Trying to get RA back on the job was proving difficult as by now he had lost all sense of direction. With considerable effort, he completed his work, introducing an additional group of 8 Returnees and Visiting Hashers.

The Hares were brought out and subjected to some ritual abuse. It was finally agreed the Running Hares should spend a minute or two on the ice for failing to control the front runners and cutting short their run. Hand Job, Mad Cow and Ciara were duly iced.

Four Hounds required names: Baz, Ciara , Greg and Marthe. The Circle had been briefed on the idiosyncrasies of these individuals before the run/walk. If GM was expecting some gems to come from the assembled throng, he wasn't holding his breath. Baz was eventually named Bog Worm because he dabbles in marble and marble is used in toilets. Ciara is now known as Happy Ending because she is an Irish physiotherapist. Sadly, neither Marthe nor Greg received names. The Circle had failed them. On the credit side, Belladonna was renamed after one week. GM had previously muttered the Saigon H3 was not adequately schooled to adopt a Latin name. It was pointed out to GM that quite a few of the female Hashers: Sheep Sub, Mighty Quinn, Nut Sucker and Mad Cow for example, were regularly heard referring to Men's Ass, the third declension of the Latin, Mensa. [WTF??? - Ed.] Consequently, and showing the flexibility this hash is renowned for, Belladonna was re-named Digitalis, the Latin for Deadly Nightshade.

Only a couple of awards were due. Pencil Dick gave Phuc Me Happy (Another re-naming if I am not mistaken) his First Hareset T-Shirt and Friendly Bank was awarded nothing for completing 300 runs. Congratulations to both of you. [Well, we don't keep a whole lot of 300 Run t-shirts on hand. Custom 300 Run awards are on the way for both Friendly Bank and Deaf Teapot - Ed.]

The first of the charges resulted from a disgusting newspaper article in the Melbourne Sun. Dutch park authorities will now charge a dog owner if that dog is not on a leash however, they will not charge consenting gays who go all the way in the park so long as it is not in front of children. The Euro Trash, minus Ciara once it had been pointed out to her that Ireland was in the opposite direction to Europe when viewed from the White Cliffs of Dover, were suitably punished. Fukoffee charged the Hares for not getting a big enough bus and then we had the announcements.

GM reminded everyone to spread the word about the 900th Run to be held on SATURDAY 29 March and departing the Caravelle at 1330. The Can Tho Hash will be held on the weekend of 12/13 April so book hotels and transport early.

With that, the Circle was closed and the bus set off for Sheridan's and the ON ON.

Woofter