Paddy Fag was celebrating his 50th Hare Set and had come armed for fun and games. He had a sack full of spirits, some spare T-Shirts, and a brace of experienced Hares to help him. His entourage also included a couple of spotty youths, one of whom was his son, visiting from the Gold Coast. Because it was an A to A run, Paddy Fag coped reasonably well with the briefing before pointing us in the direction of a large dusty road. Those with a more questioning mind wondered why the bus hadn’t used this road instead of having to navigate a small track with low overhead wires and weak bridges. Nguyen Fangio, our bus driver, is quite used to these poor roads and we reached the Start Point unscathed. The unfortunate taxi driver was not so lucky and had to be rescued from the boonies with El Flatulante leading the operation. I digress, so back to the run. Some of the tracks we ran on were very nice but most of the terrain represented a golf course in the early throws of construction. Perhaps that was because it was a golf course under construction. The bulldozers had been having a field day. There was sharply undulating concrete like mud as far as the eye could see. This was very difficulty to run on and left the Hounds completely exposed to the burning sun. Remember, this run started 30 minutes early and was set by the most experienced team if Hares SAIGON H3 can muster! When we finally left the moonscape, we entered woods and tracks with no paper trail to speak of. Had the Hares miss-managed their shredded paper? The 2 young Hares, Fagweasel and Alex, even managed to lose the pack and found themselves all on their own in a disused rice field. After a very hot and exposed 9 kilometers, we arrived back at the bus. We were lucky because more than half of the walkers had been deserted by Paddy Fag and Wet Rag. Fortunately, Aushole had spotted the danger and gone back to rescue his fellow walkers. Walking Hares, I thought we had learned our lessons from the last Volcano Run. You are responsible for ensuring the safe return of all your charges. It is not acceptable to just leave them to their own devices with no guidance. A poor ending to a run that did not in anyway reflect the experience of the Hares.

For a change, the Hares had picked a pleasant spot for the Circle. There was no shade but the sun was hidden by threatening rain clouds. More importantly, there were no mosquitoes, no crap of any kind, no mud and no litter to deal with. Finally, a plus for the Hares. They were brought out for a serious bashing by Dog Ass who had, for the first time, revealed his Hash name - mistake. The Running Hares were iced for short cutting through crops, failing to lay sufficient paper, failing to provide shade, failing to provide decent running surfaces and getting themselves lost. David Tanis praised the Walking Hares for most of their efforts but was heavily critical of their failure to get everyone back to the bus. Good point, David, and one we shall return to in later Hashes. The Hares were followed by our Religious Adviser, Paddy Fag, a man renown for his attention to detail and the time he is prepared to spend introducing each of our visitors. A time, it has been noted, that expands or contracts in relation to the sex of the person he is introducing. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only 35 minutes, the last of our Visitors was welcomed. The Returning and Visiting Hashers were also presented with one of our new ‘collector’s item’ SAIGON H3 pins. Don’t mention it - you’re welcome.



The usual routine was changed to allow for a couple of namings. David Tanis and Mr Lu had each completed 10 Runs or more and were due a Hash Name. David, an IT man, was named Floppy Dick by Super Slag . Mr Lu was given the name Golden Shower by El Flatulante for his work in products that contain liquids. His homework for the evening was to find out the meaning of his name because, Woofter, when asked, was either unable or unwilling to help him. Then it was back to the serious stuff and the awards for achievers. Wan Hung Lo was presented with a 50 run T-Shirt. A 25 run shirt went to Lost Our Soul. Other shirts were given to Mighty Quinn. A whole slew of Dog Tags were presented to Tonto, Super Slag and Paddy Fag Well done to all our achievers. Paddy Fag, your 50 Hare Set award will be ready in about 3 years time. Super Brat finally showed up to receive his long overdue Red hareshirt.

With formalities complete it was time to get a little silly but first, GM had some unfinished business to clear up. Wan Hung Lo was iced for failing to turn up when he was listed as a Hare. This happened some months ago around the time of his 40th birthday. Even though GM was on the birthday party invite list, justice had to be seen to be done. Super Brat and Doggy Style then got on the ice because of a spot of racing at the opening Full Moon Hash. Doggy Style complained bitterly that Super Brat not only raced him to the finish and then raced him to the restaurant but amazingly raced him to the urinals as well! What is going on guys? GM then got onto all the news that isn’t the news. Another slow week produced just one story of note. The Olympics Committee are concerned they might have missed adding an important drug to their list of banned substances. It seems that Viagra can have a beneficial effect on marathon runners and sprinters, not to mention the obvious advantage in ‘first past the post’ races. After the usual ribald comments about pole vaulting and three-legged races, our Olympic hopefuls Woofter, James, Piss Meister, Super Brat, Trigger and Dog Ass drank a toast to the Viagra users.

Before opening the floor for charges, GM brought up El Flatulante as ‘Optimist of the Week’. He had sent a text message inviting his mates over to the New World Hotel to mingle with the ‘Miss Universe’ candidates. GM was certainly chuffed to be on the list but didn’t bother going for obvious reasons. Pencil Dick picked on Dog Ass and Trigger, alias Chunderer, alias Queenie for failing to sign in under their Hash names. There’s no discount for beginners so why be shy. GM then praised Pencil Dick for the success of our Hash Home Page. Once the Circle had recovered from this unusual turn of events, GM explained our monthly hits had been flat-lining at 30,000 up until last February when the current MMC was installed. The new and improved web site now receives 143,000 hits per month and is still growing. Well done Pencil Dick. We then had a series of charges against the Euro Trash. Paddy Fag got the Germans and the French up for their poor understanding of democracy. This boils down to repeated referendums until they get the result they want. Shame on them. Even Digitalis got in on the act for the second time in a month. He charged the Dutch for keeping everyone awake at night as they forlornly supported their losing side in the European Cup. Now that’s a real loser - a football fan of a losing football team.

Finally, we said good-bye to the Supers. Super Brat and Super Slag are leaving us to go to eckie thump country. They are retiring to a small village called Bollington which is up in the Penine Hills near Manchester. Good luck to both of you. Super Slag presented Woofter with a magnificent and tasteful piece of GM jewellery that gave his Dog Tags an instant inferiority complex. Muttering under his breath this would be the one and only time he would wear it, Woofter kindly thanked Super Slag for remembering to give it back to the Hash. They were toasted and then a second toast was drunk for the 3 GM’s present. This was called for by Tonto who, unusually for him, had yet to breach the Circle boundary.

GM then called a halt to proceedings despite Doggy Style’s best efforts to bring another charge. Big Mac made an announcement about an Inter Hash in Kuching due to take place in 2010. Mate, our average hasher has the memory span of a gnat. I suggest you try that again in a year’s time and ignore the savings for early registration. The Circle was closed and a few minutes social drinking achieved before we jumped back on the bus to avoid the heavy rain. Perfect timing GM! The ON ON was held in No 5 Bar.

PS. Pecker Head made a valiant attempt at introducing a new song. We will try it again next week.

That’s it,

Woofter.